I will miss him but am grateful for the life he lead, in all his strengths and weaknesses and for always being a kind, compassionate, gentle person to me, my family and my grandmother.
I could never describe fully how much my family means to me, and how grateful I was to be here with them through all that was going on. I hope to attend my Grandfather's funeral as well to honor the life he lived and his memory. His funeral is this Wednesday.
Writing all of this, I hope I do not hurt any of my family in moving forward from my relationship with the Mormon Church. There is much history here and in doing so I'll be exploring the reason for my own and my Mom and Mother's Mom's non-belief in the Church, because in it you can catch a much fuller narrative of where my story picks up and what I believe.
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This has been a blog post that I knew that I would be writing at some point, and fittingly enough it's on Mother's Day since it's my Mother and her Mother who really start the narrative. Mine and my siblings story really picks up when my Mother's story comes full circle connecting once again to her Mother's story.
Let's begin with my Grandmother. My Grandmother was adopted by her Aunt who was a devout Mormon. My Grandmother questioned the Church doctrine, especially why when she was growing, why African American's could not receive the priesthood. This lead to her leaving when she was given the reason I've heard of "The Church was not ready." Understandably this rubbed her the wrong way, did God only care and give his gifts to people of European Descent? Is God racist? The Native Americans were also a lost tribe of Israel and had darker skin because they were cursed? What? In the writings the Prophets Joseph Smith and Brigham she would read there racism towards African Americans, Native Americans and sexism which in turn lead to her leaving the Church at age 16. Which in turn lead to her doubting their overall claims.
The Age of 16. This the age my mother would join the Church. Drawn to the main narrative of families being together forever as part of Heavenly Father's Plan. My Mom grew up a Navy Brat and for much of her life her Father was at sea serving in Vietnam.
The Church offered stability that she had never been able to find. I heard that stability today in the sermon. That in obedience to our Heavenly Father as our Heavenly Mother is, and by the example of our Lord Jesus Christ who atoned for our sins. From here there is paradise with the Mormon Family and meeting all the people who were not born into bodies yet or who died and returned to their spiritual bodies.
Obedience, for good measure this rubbed Mom the wrong way. She studied the Bible and Book of Mormon so thoroughly, yet because she was a woman she was never taken seriously when she brought issues of reform. Such as letting the girl scouts go on camping trips, or having more money go to serving the poor rather then building temples. She also researched Joseph Smith and Brigham Young and found that she was living something she was unable to believe. She literally stayed for us kids, until worried how her autistic child who wasn't into playing sports (me) would probably be eaten alive by a culture that didn't do well with non-conformity (breaking gender roles is no, because it's part of God's plan). She finally left for me and for all the issues her Mother found with the Church. This brings me to my own story.
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When I had completed the 5th Grade we left Utah to Michigan and Mom told us the reasons she left. We understood her lack of power she had felt and supported her in her exploration of different faiths. Something we ourselves would do.
My early memories of the Church certainly weren't of genuine belief so leaving it wasn't so hard. I enjoyed singing, I loved my family and spending time with them. But I never thought about Joseph Smith's claims and was honestly much more interested in the animal kingdom and dinosaurs...Church was something I did because I had to do, it was where community twas that I felt separate from anyway (except my family), and the sacraments at best were fun. When I was 8 I was baptized and the first thing I said when I came out of the warm water was, "That was fun." After my Dad baptized me.
Leaving Utah was hard though, because my family was all there. No longer would there be
It was this time I was a part of the Unitarian Universalist Church with my Mom...but even then, I was searching but not thinking all that deeply. It really wasn't until high school that I really began exploring religion in depth...and in the process became an atheist. I read the stories of Ex-Mormons and saw how they mirrored Moms, I read any information I could find on Joseph Smith and explored Christianity, Judaism and other faiths as well. What I found (which was my interest in middle school) was how connected they were to mythology.
The Mythology connection:
Jesus the Man God, who rose again. Muhammad the Prophet who ascended to the sky and created a Holy Book that God told him to say. Joseph Smith who was visited by God and Jesus and the Angel Maroni who gave him the Golden plates the new completed True Gospel (like what the Prophet Muhammad claimed the Quran to be). The Hindu, Norse, Greek and Egyptian Pantheons, some of whom died and were resurrected. The Legends surrounding the
Prophecy - I see more reason to doubt all the prophecies in any of the Holy Books then accept them. I think the people who made them tried to make the most of their situation (I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt then call them scam artists) cause it seems they genuinely believed. Be it Isaiah, Joseph Smith or Muhammad...but within prophecy it's easy to see where they drew inspiration from. They drew inspiration from the stories and legends of their day and with it composed a narrative that represented many of the thoughts of their time...in all it's ethical (Golden Rule) and unethical claims (Racism, sexism, homophobia, genocide, war) that were made.
Male Priesthood Authority -This is a huge issue for me. The Orthodox Christian and Jewish faiths aren't that different from Mormonism on this issue. Same with the Catholic Church, the Baptists, Pentecostals, Islam and other conservative religious traditions. Why should a man only be allowed to preach and be allowed to lead a congregation? Why must a woman submit to a man? Besides the excuse of God wanting as the natural order of things and way HE meant things to be, I have not heard a single good reason why this is ethical. Partnership involves submitting to one another and working together. This tradition arose out of the era when women were seen as chattel and in the same area of property as animals. Look at the Holy Books (Quran, Book of Mormon, The Bible (Old and New Testament) and you see that female rights were minimal at best. The father made the decisions for the daughter and the wife, they had little to no power EVER.
My experience with this has seen the abuse of this authority, if God is the only one watching a man can do whatever he wants to a woman if she doesn't listen to him (the Bible prescribes the beating of children for example) and he'd have doctrine to back him if he looked hard enough...just like the justifications for racism, sexism, slavery and genocide that exist in the Holy Books. Man is the head of the household afterall...
When it comes to praying, preaching and understanding a book or leading a group a woman is just as qualified as a man. So why shouldn't she have the same authority as one on matters that involve such things? The only reasons I've heard is because "God says so," or "Her role is an important one, but not the same - separate but equal (which has been used to justify oppression in the past)."
Myth - A personal God, Angels, Demons are by their very nature mythical (as in the only proof for them lies in myths) as are miracles and the laws of nature being stopped, reversed, ect. Which makes revelation itself mythical since it usually calls on common myths and mythical language to paints it's narrative.
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During all this time the Church didn't accept are leaving and "No" as an answer. Missionaries were sent to our home 5 times that I'm aware of. The Boy Scouts came over and at one point girls from the Church invited us (my Brother and I) to a sleep over and dance.
I saw that the ex-Mormons had experienced similar and worse things and in that knowledge accumulated much bitterness towards the Church that I've continually sought to move on from once I became fully aware of the fact that I was bitter that the Church did not accept "No," and it's actions towards apostates and of the harm that had been done in it's name to Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Queer and Transgender people who I knew (some of my friends in high school). I would learn though that was an issue in other faith traditions as well, as other blog posts have described.
It didn't end there though. At one point the Interfaith group at Eastshore my Mom was a leader of visited the Mormon Church near my house. The service felt targeted at converting us non-believers, which is in Church doctrine, but after other Churches being much more natural and having standard services, this one felt a bit off. This might have been my own chip I was carrying with me though that informed this view point. I wasn't aware of it really, until I'd matured a bit more.
The Church became a taboo in discussion with my family and for what's it worth I was grateful for that because I didn't have to forgive what happened. I could hold onto it. It wasn't until I began to work on forgiveness as a whole that I recognized the weight that I carried.
It was around that time I became an Agnostic Deist who believed in the main of tenants of Buddhism and Taoism, which I am to this day...the teaching allowed me to let go, since it was attached to the ego, and with it the bitterness has healed.
I talked to my cousins last time I was here about Gay Rights and the Mormon Church and found allies there who believed like I did in Gay Marriage being a right, and I also talked to my one of my cousins who was leaving on his mission. On the hike I found that mutual respect. Even though we didn't believe the same thing, I respect him for his beliefs and it seemed like he respected me.
I hope the Church and other conservative religions can move forward on supporting all relationships built on love and consent and supporting freedom of discussion and questioning within themselves. That maybe literal definitions may not be the best approach.
The weight I carried clouded my
I think the institution as a whole needs to take responsibility for the evils of past (racism, sexism, homophobia), as does any institution...but I have hope someday it can. It's always difficult confronting our own mistakes, like my own bitterness and anger and growing from it, any person or institution (people within an institution) can do the same. Mistakes are opportunities to grow. Every Holy Book I know of has some immoral acts claimed in the name of righteousness and God (Genocide, Slavery, homophobia, Rape), but unlike books people change and can grow beyond the fear, hatred and backwardness of their ancestors. We were born with reason, morals, and the ability to empathize and feel for others whether inside our outside a faith. It's from these virtues that we move to create a better tomorrow and improve our institutions, communities and ourselves.
Virtue and and living with virtue towards all people are things I believe in.
So with peace I thank my family for supporting me in my non-belief of the Church and allowing me to grow on my own. For the Church for helping me with confronting my fears of public speaking (helped my Mom in the same way), and for the good it does do in the world in serving the poor.
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