Temple Square and Why I'm not a Mormon - Temple Square Area - Salt Lake City, Utah - September 7th, 2014

       It's been a while since I've explored my reasons for not believing in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and why I don't think I could ever rejoin. The last post I did that explored my story was this one here: http://thereligiousoutsider.blogspot.com/2011/05/mormonism-and-me-leaving-organized.html, and a lot of still stands though I didn't really go into the details behind the why and what I meant by behind certain things like the racism and sexism and the historicity issues. 

     With those post I don't mean to offend, but I'm not going to lie. This was my first time going and exploring Temple Square since I was a little kid and it was here that really captured a lot of the pros and cons of the Mormon Faith for me. Obviously the cons outweigh or else I'd be a member, so I'll tell about my experiences of revisiting the Mormon Mecca here. 

    My friend lives right next to Temple Square and after visiting the Greek Festival I decided coming here would be a good way to both see how the Church tells it's own story and through that illustrate my reasons for why I don't believe in it. Much like the articles posted around Trinity Orthodox Cathedral, Temple Square is the Thesis Statement of the Mormon Church that explores how it sees itself. 

     The first place we reached was the home of Brigham Young, this is a guy who had some similar problems to Joseph Smith as he took a bunch of wives (some of whom already had husbands in Joseph Smith's case or were young (14 or younger) like Aisha and Muhammad) and believed it was his right because he was a Prophet to do so. He was pretty racist towards African and Native Americans too.

        

     After Brigham Young's home we reached the area where the Church Office is and the Joseph Smith memorial building. The area was beautiful, but the the memorial building was closed on Sunday. 

       One very positive thing about this area is how green it is. There are lots of flowers and trees and it really is a beautiful area, there is another side to this too, which I'll get into further down. The area itself reminded me of a greener Vatican actually, in more than a few ways. Came here with my cousin when I first moved here and I do love how pristine and beautiful the location is. 

     The next place we visited was the North Temple Visitor Center. It was here it had the brief history of the 40 years it took to build the Temple and showed a small miniature house of it too. One of the reasons I couldn't be a Mormon is actually the existence of the Temple, much like how non-Muslims aren't allowed in Mecca, non-Mormons aren't allowed in the Temple and for me it is difficult a God would be that exclusive. More often than not exclusivity leads to isolation of perspective which makes it difficult to see where others may be coming from because if you have the exclusive truth than everyone else must be wrong...and when it comes to religion that claim is more often than not something based on faith which can't be proven with evidence by it's very nature.  

       After we found a video of some of the current President/Prophet's talks and one of the ones we listened was great until it got into theology. It basically covered everyday things that are important, like honesty and integrity. It was once the Bible and Book of Mormon were quoted that it felt like a non-sequitur argument. Also the Family Proclamation on the wall was a pretty big "Only Certain Families are Welcome" thing as it excludes Gay families and the sheer diversity of families from re-marriages and divorces, poly, and single parents raising children or existing as a couple. This is sad as there is so much beauty that can exist in these relationships and that it matters less the type of family it is and more the character of a family. A couple being a straight couple does not make them good, they could be abusive or have any other types of problems. Just because people can have kids, does not make them good parents. I hope someday this proclamation can be expanded to include all families and have more focus on character rather than family make-up as this proclamation is part of what fed the homophobia against LGBTQ folks in the U.S. and lead to the funding against Gay Marriage in California and elsewhere in the U.S.A. 

     The other issue I have is tied to not seeing any evidence on any person being able to have otherworldly powers or predict the future. Because of this I don't believe in the existence of prophets in any religion, though certainly open to the possibility. 

      Afterwords we visited The Assembly Hall which is a place for non-members to come and worship, I am glad this place exists as it is one of the more areas of simple beauty on Temple Square and it isn't big or large like most of the other buildings on the premise...and it is an area that welcomes all, which is good, even if it doesn't have the same significance of the Temple. The inside is simple with an organ, wooden seats with the most ornate thing being granite pillars inside the Hall. 

   

      Our next stop was the Church History Museum. First I'll go into the good, it showed the struggle of a lot of the immigrants who came across the plains and oceans to get to Utah for religious freedom. What it doesn't say though is how there were people already there. The natives are only mentioned as Lamanites the 13th Tribe of Israel (historically inaccurate, Native American's don't have any Jewish genes) and how Jesus came and preached to them. This is shown later on the floor on the top level where Joseph Smith is shown preaching to the natives. It has an imperialistic feel to it as the warrior natives look frightened as Smith and another preach, this was disturbing on a lot of levels because it showed the racism and justification of both Manifest Destiny (Zion is ours on this Land) and Imperialism (educating the sinful natives and saving them from the wrongs committed by their ancestors). The issue of polygamy (saying it's right and God wants it and after saying it's wrong and God doesn't want it), racism (Black's exclusion from the Priesthood for a long time) or the Mountain Meadows Massacre (Mormon Settlers targeting other Settlers and attempting to frame the Native Americans in the process) are never addressed either, it's a very idealized picture that does a disservice to the First People's of Utah and the complex history of the Church (the darker sides are never dealt with). The Vatican was very similar in regards to not showing the darker side of the Catholic Church's history which I wish more religions did...confessing the problems of your past up front does solve some issues as it shows integrity and with that a possible willingness to learn from the lessons from those mistakes.  

    I think one interpretation we may see and might currently exist among some believers of the Book of Mormon is it all being mythology and symbolic. Similar to the Old Testament and more fantastical events of the New Testament. If this catches on it could be a step in the right direction in relation to the Native Americans here and the actual history of this place. 

      The next place we went to were the Church grounds, which are beautiful and right near is a covered patio with chairs, a great area for reading. Right next to it would be part of what I see as the problem both in the Vatican and other Churches too. The homeless are kept out. 

    If you look across from Temple Square you see City Creek, where the church invested a lot of it's money. Just outside the gates is a homeless man. I heard from my friend the Church does provide a service where homeless can work for lodging and food, but I haven't seen it (though I know individual members who do care for the poor and other groups in need). Everywhere in the city I've seen the poor being cared for by religious organization are the Catholics (the area near Cathedral of the Madeline, Catholic Community Service in Old Greek Town and The Virgin of Guadalupe Church in the poor area of Salt Lake City). I haven't seen any of that, looking out the door I saw tons of money that was poured into City Creek. The Orthodox Church had businesses endorsing an event, but the Church didn't own any of the businesses. The Mormon Church owns City Creek, which is good publicity, but all one has to do is see how the poor are being kept out for image and how much money was poured into a mall, also in regards to the Trinity Orthodox Church visit, I saw no charities or food banks in regards to the poor in Utah, it was more more focused on self and not self in relation to the outside, which for me is a problem if religion is supposed to make one better. 

     I'm sure the Church provides services, but I haven't seen them in the areas that need it the most and Temple Square feels less welcome to all when a homeless man has to beg outside the gates...it kind of promotes the exclusivity problem. 

     If you've been reading the blog you know where I stand on equality of leadership in any organization (a person's sex should not bar them from leadership positions in any hierarchy) and the matter of Gay Rights. These are the biggest reasons beyond my agnosticism of the Supernatural and the historicity of the Book of Mormon and Bible for why I could not become a Mormon. I do have hope that these things will be dealt with as time passes, as in the case of Gay Rights especially there are consequences, there are many homeless gay youth on the streets because of how they have been rejected by their families because of their sexual orientation. There are people and families excluded for who they are. How does that make any sense in reference to a loving higher power? This is hardly just a problem in Mormonism, my biggest issues are pretty universal in most conservative religious communities, but this was my visit to the Temple Square area and visit the locations and my chance to explore it in regards to Mormonism first hand.

Native American Genetic Ancestry: http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/d-brief/2014/02/12/earliest-american-genome-proves-siberian-origins-for-native-peoples/

Joseph Smith: http://www.wivesofjosephsmith.org/

Brigham Young: http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/57241071-78/church-lds-says-mormon.html.csp

Mormon Church and Marriage Equality: http://online.wsj.com/articles/SB122186063716658279

Baby Blessing for Step-Niece - Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - Butler West 33rd Ward - August 3rd, 2014

     First, it has been a while since I've done the blog. I plan to change this, as there are many places I want to see in Utah before I go, and there are still the big moments that happen in the religious context, even if I myself am agnostic on matters of religion. I definitely plan on doing some more reconnecting with folks and churches I've visited...especially as my work schedule opens up making it easier. So, what is it that brings back the blog? My amazing step-sister having a baby! 

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     There seems to be three things that bring people together in the large community context...a birth or a child, a marriage or a death. This time I'm happy to say it was a sweet baby who I feel lucky is a part of my life. 

     My time in the Church was actually pretty short, I left during communion since I'm not a Mormon and was pretty exhausted from waking up early and the party that was thrown to honor the baby that early afternoon, but I came for my step-sister and her amazing husband their baby. When I arrived a fairly political baby blessing was going on (you will spread the word of God and be an example to the world of the True Gospel), which reminded me of what I don't look forward to in my visits to the more conservative church communities and later was my Step-Brother-in-Law's blessing for his and my Step-Sister's baby.

    

    The blessing was beautiful. It was a tying to the past to the future in the best way possible. Their baby girl was named for both their grandmothers. For the first name it was my step-sister's grandmother, and for my step-brother-in-law it was his grandmothers...and the blessing was focused and I'd say focused on the core good. It was about being a good person and example to family and inspiration to community. This was great to hear as it encapsulated a father's hope as well as recognizing the freedom of the child's choice and the village it would be a part of. 

   Whether the baby is biological or adopted, the importance of raising a child cannot be ignored, which is one reason recognizing all loving couples is so important. When a couple is accepted and loved they have even greater support for themselves and any children they might have or adopt regardless of sexual orientation or the amount of people in the relationship. This is the beauty that can come out of a community...religious or otherwise, helping raise and care for a child and why I think it is so important to recognize and appreciate all caring families. For the couple and whatever child there maybe. For today was proof of that. Divorce, Sexual Orientation, Race...these are are things that have no bearing on how good a person is and the fact is, all children, regardless of parents are the future.   

Mother's Day, Family and Marriage - Butler West 33rd Ward - Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - Cottonwood Heights, UT - May 11th, 2014

 

         Mother's Day...when I think of Mother's Day I think of a celebration of all Mother's regardless of their gender, sexuality, nationality, past or present. I experienced some of that here in the final talk, but the first talk left a bad taste since the legal expression of it has been witnessed in the world today in places like Uganda and Russia...

      First, for new readers I am an ex-Mormon. This is largely due to my disagreements with doctrine and the past of the Holy Books and history of the faith and the fact that the Supernatural is unknown and cannot be tested so I cannot by the very nature of it believe in the supernatural (same reason I'm not part of any religion outside of Unitarian Universalism really). I'll go into more detail as I talk about the service.

     The service began with a song from the old hymn, which was pretty and after the Bishop made the opening remarks and a woman did the opening prayer.

   After was another song and finally the first talk.

     The first talk started out okay (the man thanked all the women in his life and who he admired in the congregation), it could have easily continued on the theme of humanism and still remained just...instead it used Cicero to argue for the Nuclear family and put Cicero in agreement with conservative religion. The man than tied the talk into how other families are against God's plan (implying divorced, gay, lesbian and queer couples are bringing about the end and second coming). I hadn't heard that much implied hate since visiting the Muslim Association of Olympia, Mars Hill and Calvary Chapel...

    What does attacking different families actually do? I agree that marriage is good for society, it is one reason I support Gay Marriage. Marriage promotes stability and acceptance and connects us all together. It recognizes the love a couple shares and with it the community who would be there anyway will help raise the child. Nothing is gained and only harm is given when LGBTQ families are attacked and their children taken from them.

    The argument against these relationships hinges on arguments from authority. The weakest of the arguments since it says nothing for the content of the argument which is usually always circular in nature. It is right because it is right, basically.

     After was another song and finally the last talk which was more more inclusive. The woman who spoke recognized all the women in her life and how important motherhood is. Except for her mentioning Satan destroying the Kingdom of God on Earth if people don't stay righteous at the beginning (Red Flag for me with any religion - see the ones I mentioned above), it was a good talk. It was personal stories of her life as a mother and growing up with an adopted mother. The message was nearly universal except for defining women purely by their sex which happened once during the talk.

     Today was one reason I don't like visiting religions with a conservative bent...because it is never just kept in the group, it is brought out into law that seeks to criminalize or separate those who are different. Religions and groups that I connect to do not seek to tear apart families that differ in gender or sex, nor do they seek to destroy "Traditional families," (The 1950's Nuclear Family ideal). All are welcome, which is one thing I admire so much about secular humanism. It gives the freedom for each person to worship and live as they will without infringing on their freedom. The golden rule of "Do no harm," is lived in practice and all families are recognized. I hope this can happen worldwide for there is so far yet to go.

    A religion has every right to live by its own rules as long as those rules do not infringe upon another's well being, love and happiness. For it is in that legalism that love and justice die replaced by a religious form of tyranny. 

The Religious Heart of Taiwan - Dajia, Taiwan

  
 One of the things I learned about, and saw while I was in Dajia was the role religion played in the lives of the people. Beyond holidays there were shrines that I saw in use daily. The shrines had offerings and incense and placed at them and no matter what part of the day it was, I would witness at least a few people taking part in ritual at the Shrines or Temples.

       There are shrines all throughout Dajia ranging from no larger than a small box, to the size of an office, to a makeshift yurt where monks are invited and ceremonies take place. All of these I saw in my time there. 

                                           One of the small box sized shrines

         Some of the moments that stood out where where when I was exploring Taiwan at night. The first place was a small shrine where I witnessed a family laying offerings. At a shrine near the entrance Dajia I saw flowers being laid as the Chinese New Years was taking place, and the makeshift temporary shrines popped up all over Dajia depending on the day. It was at these shrines were I could see statues inside of Bodhisattvas, and a few times they were full of monks chanting.

                                                     One of the Temporary Shrines   
   Rarely, if ever, did I see someone visit a shrine or Temple alone. It was built around family, community and taking part in it with everyone there. It was a collectivism that I haven't noticed as much here in the States where ritual is mostly confined to the building and what social events there are are purely social verses honoring something greater (be it virtue, ancestors, etc.) that I saw in Taiwan.

     I look forward to returning someday and am grateful for being able to experience the religious center of Taiwan. As I was going to the airport I noticed something else - a Bodhisattva being driven around in a truck, with music playing. It was the middle of morning so no one would be at Temple most likely due to work, but the ritual of Temple was brought out, even if the way was pretty gaudy...though the intent was good I think of simply wishing to bless those in the area.

     

Grandma Claire's Funeral - Butler 33rd Ward Church of Latter Day Saints - Salt Lake City, UT - October 12th, 2013

     Today was the day of the funeral. This is the third funeral I have ever attended, and each one was different in type of grief and memories with it. A funeral should capture who a person was and meant to people. The greatest way to honor someone is with the truth and remembering and appreciating the person as all of who they were. Across all religious and non-religious boundaries this what I've learned.

     The funeral began with a prayer by my Uncle Todd and than the closing of the casket. The room was full of pictures from the viewing. All of us cousins with pictures of Grandma, including the picture from her house where all of us gave her thumbs up breast surgery for the cancer she was going through. The prayer honored her faith and after we made our way into the chapel for the service.

Grandma Claire's viewing and the family prayer - Salt Lake City, UT - October 11th, 2013

   There seem to be 3 things that bring a family together (outside of reunions which tend to be special and rare events) birth, marriage and death. The event today showed just how much a part of people's lives my Grandma Claire was.

     For the past few days since I heard about her death I've been keeping myself busy. She was a part of my life for so long and mattered so much, that expressing how much she means leaves me at a loss for words. Today I was able to find some of those words and accept her death the part of my life and others' lives who she was.

    The viewing began and a few uncles, cousins and family members from my Grandma's generation were there, as well as her friends. Eventually more of the cousins arrived and I tried socializing and on that found that myself and everyone else were in different stages of grief and acceptance so it was more of a recognition and gratitude for someone being there than in deep conversation, those happened later with the cousins who I am closest too who I hadn't seen for a while.

   In between that time I visited the open casket. After her body has been given dignity (when a person dies death doesn't grant much dignity in how it lets go), she looked as if she was asleep. I must have walked at least twice just to say hello, letting the fact that she dead sink in. That she wasn't asleep. In between those times I hugged and was there for family as they were there for me. That gave peace...

     Next when I was with the cousins I grew up with around my age and who I hadn't seen for a while we talked events still going on in life, what are plans were and where we were going and in that also talking about Grandma.

   It was after that I took time for myself just to think about her. When I was young and in elementary school my family would visit Grandma every Sunday. It was there we would hang out with her and also play SEGA in the basement, and Christmas meetups and bowling on Thanksgiving. Later memories were of Bear Lake and talking to Grandma at the beach and her Condo, I'm glad I made her a part of the short story inspired by that place, I plan to make it mostly in her honor.

     Later after I left the Mormon Church it didn't effect our relationship. When I'd visit from Washington we'd talk about her and her childhood. I learned about her growing up in Europe after World War 2 and as I got older saw how big of a part she was of her community. She was the reason for all the big family events, she brought all of us together.

   For me that was the prayer showed. My Uncle who was a bishop in the Church said the prayer and it did emphasize how important Grandma's belief in the Church was but also her legacy and her humility, kindness and humor even in the face of terminal cancer.

   Tomorrow is the funeral, and more of my thoughts then about my Grandma and the event. For now, after the funeral I met up with the cousins around my age group and their wives, picked up my brother at the airport and connected, remembered, lived and found humor and joy. It was a beautiful end of the day to honoring a beautiful and amazing woman.

Healing Rooms of Issaquah - Issaquah, WA - October 2nd, 2013

 


       What an interesting experience today. This is one of the few places where you have to be in it and there isn't observation. When I arrived the leader of the Healing Rooms gave me a form to fill out with who I wanted to pray for. My Grandma has been on my mind lately and how bad her cancer has gotten, so I wrote that down and after included refugees, those who have been furloughed by the government shutdown, and those who have lost loved ones.

   While the men looked over the prayer and the form I filled out I talked to the Pastor of the Bread of Life Church, which is a Chinese Christian Church. We talked about Nanjing for a while since I'd taught in Jiangsu Province last year and I learned they have a seminary there as well as one the Bible Printing centers so whenever someone in their church goes to Nanjing they get them there for cheap. He was a really nice guy and great to talk too.

  After they'd gone over the form I was invited in and the main guy who was the oldest in the group talked about how Christ is like the King the world and all healing happens through him and they are simply ambassadors. After that they anointed me with oil on the forehead and prayed for me and my Grandma.

  It was a powerful experience, at a few places I've been too (including Peru, and some of the Buddhist Temples in China) I've had the experience of vertigo during my time taking place in an event. It is something that always fascinates me because I can never predict it except it is always tied to experiences like this one regardless of the religion it comes from.

   After the prayer the pastor gave me a Bible passage to help ("The Word of God is our food and guide you must live in it to be guided,") he and the guy who was leading said in their own ways. The passage was Isaiah 30:19 - "People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you."

   After the leader said to read the Bible, believe in Jesus as God and to be a part of a community of believers. I don't think I'll ever be able to any fully, the possibility sure, but not when there are so many other possibilities out there, some that are much more probable giving me more reasons to doubt than to believe.

   My Grandmother is a believer, one of the strongest believers in Christ I know, so today this really was to honor her. I was grateful for the kindness of the people there and the experience that occurred. I don't see myself ever being a part of that world, my doubt towards all supernatural things is pretty strong, no matter how open I may be to the possibility. Today the possibility is still enough to give a prayer for all those suffering both family and otherwise. 

Mid-Autumn Festival – Baoying, China – September 12, 2011 – The Essence of Religion

Today is the Mid-Autumn Festival over here in China. Yes, I am in China right now teaching English at a high school in China. While in China I plan to do faith visits that won’t have me ending up in a prison and writing about religious events that I take part in. I won’t be posting though (my girlfriend will) since Google blogs are blocked. Mid-Autumn Festival at its core is religious, allow me to explain why.

                On my way to the Baoying countryside I noticed something that was in all households. Nearly all households have Guan Yin, the goddess and bodhisattva of compassion in Mahayana Buddhism. Her role is similar to Mary in Catholicism as an advocate for those who have little and watching over families. She is especially related to fertility, the harvest and wealth, which are extremely important in the countryside.

                The common wishes people have are found expressed in prayers within nearly all faiths. These wishes are the wish for a more comfortable life (better harvest, new job, job, recovery from sickness, ect.), the possibility of children and the well being of family and friends. I have heard these prayers expressed in the conversations with people of the Christian, Muslim, Sikh and Jewish faiths and have experienced it in China in relationship to Buddhism.

               I think in many ways this has helped improve people. It is along these larger than life expressions of the infinite and unknown that people have sought to help one another. Mayahana Buddhism is based around family, I experienced that at the Mid-Autumn Festival today where I was treated as honored guest and invited to be a part of the family. Just as the infinite, unknown God or divine reminds us of what we don’t have; it reminds to cherish all the more what is a part of our life.

                So have a joyous day today and if you are religious or spiritual, look at your faith and how it relates to the unknown and think of how it has connected you to others and in what way it shows you the wholeness of the moment right now.

Mormonism and Me - Leaving Organized Religion

     First, many of you may be wondering why I was in Utah. I initially came down to Utah to see my family and to run in the "Race for the Cure" in solidarity with one of my Aunts and my Grandmas who both had breast cancer. My Grandmother was in surgery for her's the day I arrived and that same day my Grandfather had heart attack in which he ended up in coma. The day I did "Race for the Cure" with many members of my Father's side of my the family, my Grandfather died.

    I will miss him but am grateful for the life he lead, in all his strengths and weaknesses and for always being a kind, compassionate, gentle person to me, my family and my grandmother.  

     I could never describe fully how much my family means to me, and how grateful I was to be here with them through all that was going on. I hope to attend my Grandfather's funeral as well to honor the life he lived and his memory. His funeral is this Wednesday.

     Writing all of this, I hope I do not hurt any of my family in moving forward from my relationship with the Mormon Church. There is much history here and in doing so I'll be exploring the reason for my own and my Mom and Mother's Mom's non-belief in the Church, because in it you can catch a much fuller narrative of where my story picks up and what I believe.

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     This has been a blog post that I knew that I would be writing at some point, and fittingly enough it's on Mother's Day since it's my Mother and her Mother who really start the narrative. Mine and my siblings story really picks up when my Mother's story comes full circle connecting once again to her Mother's story.

     Let's begin with my Grandmother. My Grandmother was adopted by her Aunt who was a devout Mormon. My Grandmother questioned the Church doctrine, especially why when she was growing, why African American's could not receive the priesthood. This lead to her leaving when she was given the reason I've heard of "The Church was not ready." Understandably this rubbed her the wrong way, did God only care and give his gifts to people of European Descent? Is God racist? The Native Americans were also a lost tribe of Israel and had darker skin because they were cursed? What? In the writings the Prophets Joseph Smith and Brigham she would read there racism towards African Americans, Native Americans and sexism which in turn lead to her leaving the Church at age 16. Which in turn lead to her doubting their overall claims.

    The Age of 16. This the age my mother would join the Church. Drawn to the main narrative of families being together forever as part of Heavenly Father's Plan. My Mom grew up a Navy Brat and for much of her life her Father was at sea serving in Vietnam.

    The Church offered stability that she had never been able to find. I heard that stability today in the sermon. That in obedience to our Heavenly Father as our Heavenly Mother is, and by the example of our Lord Jesus Christ who atoned for our sins. From here there is paradise with the Mormon Family and meeting all the people who were not born into bodies yet or who died and returned to their spiritual bodies.

     Obedience, for good measure this rubbed Mom the wrong way. She studied the Bible and Book of Mormon so thoroughly, yet because she was a woman she was never taken seriously when she brought issues of reform. Such as letting the girl scouts go on camping trips, or having more money go to serving the poor rather then building temples. She also researched Joseph Smith and Brigham Young and found that she was living something she was unable to believe. She literally stayed for us kids, until worried how her autistic child who wasn't into playing sports (me) would probably be eaten alive by a culture that didn't do well with non-conformity (breaking gender roles is no, because it's part of God's plan). She finally left for me and for all the issues her Mother found with the Church. This brings me to my own story.

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    When I had completed the 5th Grade we left Utah to Michigan and Mom told us the reasons she left. We understood her lack of power she had felt and supported her in her exploration of different faiths. Something we ourselves would do.

    My early memories of the Church certainly weren't of genuine belief so leaving it wasn't so hard. I enjoyed singing, I loved my family and spending time with them. But I never thought about Joseph Smith's claims and was honestly much more interested in the animal kingdom and dinosaurs...Church was something I did because I had to do, it was where community twas that I felt separate from anyway (except my family), and the sacraments at best were fun. When I was 8 I was baptized and the first thing I said when I came out of the warm water was, "That was fun." After my Dad baptized me.

    Leaving Utah was hard though, because my family was all there. No longer would there be giant family reunions I could catch (due to distance WA and MI and time), well up until now and finishing college.

   It was this time I was a part of the Unitarian Universalist Church with my Mom...but even then, I was searching but not thinking all that deeply. It really wasn't until high school that I really began exploring religion in depth...and in the process became an atheist. I read the stories of Ex-Mormons and saw how they mirrored Moms, I read any information I could find on Joseph Smith and explored Christianity, Judaism and other faiths as well. What I found (which was my interest in middle school) was how connected they were to mythology.

The Mythology connection:

     Jesus the Man God, who rose again. Muhammad the Prophet who ascended to the sky and created a Holy Book that God told him  to say. Joseph Smith who was visited by God and Jesus and the Angel Maroni who gave him the Golden plates the new completed True Gospel (like what the Prophet Muhammad claimed the Quran to be). The Hindu, Norse, Greek and Egyptian Pantheons, some of whom died and were resurrected. The Legends surrounding the Buddha.

Prophecy - I see more reason to doubt all the prophecies in any of the Holy Books then accept them. I think the people who made them tried to make the most of their situation (I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt then call them scam artists) cause it seems they genuinely believed. Be it Isaiah, Joseph Smith or Muhammad...but within prophecy it's easy to see where they drew inspiration from. They drew inspiration from the stories and legends of their day and with it composed a narrative that represented many of the thoughts of their time...in all it's ethical (Golden Rule) and unethical claims (Racism, sexism, homophobia, genocide, war) that were made.

Male Priesthood Authority -This is a huge issue for me. The Orthodox Christian and Jewish faiths aren't that different from Mormonism on this issue. Same with the Catholic Church, the Baptists, Pentecostals, Islam and other conservative religious traditions. Why should a man only be allowed to preach and be allowed to lead a congregation? Why must a woman submit to a man? Besides the excuse of God wanting as the natural order of things and way HE meant things to be, I have not heard a single good reason why this is ethical. Partnership involves submitting to one another and working together. This tradition arose out of the era when women were seen as chattel and in the same area of property as animals. Look at the Holy Books (Quran, Book of Mormon, The Bible (Old and New Testament) and you see that female rights were minimal at best. The father made the decisions for the daughter and the wife, they had little to no power EVER.
      My experience with this has seen the abuse of this authority, if God is the only one watching a man can do whatever he wants to a woman if she doesn't listen to him (the Bible prescribes the beating of children for example) and he'd have doctrine to back him if he looked hard enough...just like the justifications for racism, sexism, slavery and genocide that exist in the Holy Books. Man is the head of the household afterall...

  When it comes to praying, preaching and understanding a book or leading a group a woman is just as qualified as a man. So why shouldn't she have the same authority as one on matters that involve such things? The only reasons I've heard is because "God says so," or "Her role is an important one, but not the same - separate but equal (which has been used to justify oppression in the past)."

Myth - A personal God, Angels, Demons are by their very nature mythical (as in the only proof for them lies in myths) as are miracles and the laws of nature being stopped, reversed, ect. Which makes revelation itself mythical since it usually calls on common myths and mythical language to paints it's narrative.

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    During all this time the Church didn't accept are leaving and "No" as an answer. Missionaries were sent to our home 5 times that I'm aware of. The Boy Scouts came over and at one point girls from the Church invited us (my Brother and I) to a sleep over and dance.

     I saw that the ex-Mormons had experienced similar and worse things and in that knowledge accumulated much bitterness towards the Church that I've continually sought to move on from once I became fully aware of the fact that I was bitter that the Church did not accept "No," and it's actions towards apostates and of the harm that had been done in it's name to Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Queer and Transgender people who I knew (some of my friends in high school). I would learn though that was an issue in other faith traditions as well, as other blog posts have described.

     It didn't end there though. At one point the Interfaith group at Eastshore my Mom was a leader of visited the Mormon Church near my house. The service felt targeted at converting us non-believers, which is in Church doctrine, but after other Churches being much more natural and having standard services, this one felt a bit off. This might have been my own chip I was carrying with me though that informed this view point. I wasn't aware of it really, until I'd matured a bit more.

    The Church became a taboo in discussion with my family and for what's it worth I was grateful for that because I didn't have to forgive what happened. I could hold onto it. It wasn't until I began to work on forgiveness as a whole that I recognized the weight that I carried.

      It was around that time I became an Agnostic Deist who believed in the main of tenants of Buddhism and Taoism, which I am to this day...the teaching allowed me to let go, since it was attached to the ego, and with it the bitterness has healed. 

    I talked to my cousins last time I was here about Gay Rights and the Mormon Church and found allies there who believed like I did in Gay Marriage being a right, and I also talked to my one of my cousins who was leaving on his mission. On the hike I found that mutual respect. Even though we didn't believe the same thing, I respect him for his beliefs and it seemed like he respected me.

    I hope the Church and other conservative religions can move forward on supporting all relationships built on love and consent and supporting freedom of discussion and questioning within themselves. That maybe literal definitions may not be the best approach. 

    The weight I carried clouded my perspective. My Dad's of the family has never tried to convert me and I have so much respect for that and honor them and the peace they find in the LDS faith. With my Grandfather's death, and reading my cousin's blog when he was on his mission I know the peace it offers to many believers.

    I think the institution as a whole needs to take responsibility for the evils of past (racism, sexism, homophobia), as does any institution...but I have hope someday it can. It's always difficult confronting our own mistakes, like my own bitterness and anger and growing from it, any person or institution (people within an institution) can do the same. Mistakes are opportunities to grow. Every Holy Book I know of has some immoral acts claimed in the name of righteousness and God (Genocide, Slavery, homophobia, Rape), but unlike books people change and can grow beyond the fear, hatred and backwardness of their ancestors. We were born with reason, morals, and the ability to empathize and feel for others whether inside our outside a faith. It's from these virtues that we move to create a better tomorrow and improve our institutions, communities and ourselves.

    Virtue and and living with virtue towards all people are things I believe in.

    So with peace I thank my family for supporting me in my non-belief of the Church and allowing me to grow on my own. For the Church for helping me with confronting my fears of public speaking (helped my Mom in the same way), and for the good it does do in the world in serving the poor.